How Do You Know When You Are Grieving?

By Rev. Dr. Terence K. Leathers

How do you know when you are grieving? That question may sound simple until you are the person trying to answer it. You may still be working, caring for your family, going to church, answering the phone, and doing what needs to be done while quietly realizing that you do not feel like yourself.

We sometimes expect grief to make itself obvious. We expect constant crying or an inability to get out of bed, and sometimes grief does look that way. At other times, it may show up as anger, exhaustion, confusion, numbness, relief, anxiety, or a lack of interest in things you once enjoyed.

Your thoughts may give you clues too. You may reread the same email, forget why you walked into a room, lose track of a conversation, or struggle with a decision that would normally be easy. You may also find your mind returning to the person, relationship, job, home, ability, or future that you lost.

Your body may be telling you something as well. Sleep, appetite, energy, and physical comfort can change during grief, and you may feel tired after doing very little. Because those changes can have many causes, ongoing or severe physical symptoms deserve attention from a healthcare professional rather than being automatically blamed on grief.

Then there are changes in what you do. You may pull away from people, become irritated more easily, stay unusually busy, or discover that ordinary responsibilities take more effort than they once did. None of those behaviors by itself proves that you are grieving, but they may be worth noticing when they begin around a significant loss or change.

This is where I believe we have to be willing to ask ourselves some honest questions. What have I lost? When did I begin feeling or acting differently? Those questions are not meant to diagnose you. They are meant to help you stop long enough to notice what may be happening in your own life.

Grief can also surprise you. You may believe you are doing well and then hear a song, smell a familiar meal, reach an anniversary, or walk into a place filled with memories. Suddenly, what seemed quiet becomes present again, and that does not mean you have gone backward.

There is no test you have to pass before you are allowed to acknowledge grief. There is also no requirement that your grief look like someone else's. Naming the loss, paying attention to your reactions, and talking with someone you trust can help you begin understanding what you are carrying.

If the distress remains intense, interferes with daily life, or includes thoughts of harming yourself, seek professional or crisis support. In the United States, you can call or text 988 for immediate crisis support. There are moments when asking for help is not simply appropriate; it is necessary.

Recognizing grief does not remove the pain. It does something else that matters: it helps you stop fighting yourself for having a response to something that changed your life. Once you can name what you are carrying, you can begin asking what kind of support will help you continue living while carrying it.

If your congregation, workplace, or community is carrying a loss, you don't have to plan the response alone. Tell us what you're facing through How Can We Help, and we'll reach out about how we can support you.